Sweet Homemade Hovercraft

New Zealander Rudy Heeman has been showing off his latest garage invention - a hovercraft which takes off at 70kmh. Can you imagine a few of these out on the lake? It'd be total chaos! But it's really cool nonetheless...

The Shade Is Melting

Hey I know I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but just in case you live someone right now where it's not ridiculously hot, here's our forecast:



And trust me on this, it ain't the heat... it's definitely the damn humidity. Add about 15 degrees to all those temps for heat index. I went to a baseball game last night and was just dripping sweat sitting still trying to drink a beer before it got warm (so, like within 2 minutes). It's hot.

In fact, it's sooooo hot...

I saw 2 trees fighting over a dog.

the National Weather Service has issued a fat guy in tank top warning.

the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

squirrels are pouring Gatorade on their nuts

hot water now comes out of both taps.

that Dick Cheney waterboarded himself.

that I saw a dog chasing a rabbit...and both of them were walking.

I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen.

I took a leak after mowing the lawn and all that came out was steam.

the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

I bought a life-size Dolly Parton doll for the shade.

Satan just bought a Summer condo here.

the cows are giving evaporated milk.

the trees are whistling for the dogs.

that I went to the store to buy a dozen eggs, and by the time I got home I had twelve chicks in the bag.

you no longer associate bridges with water.

you eat jalepenos to cool your mouth off.

you can make instant sun tea.

mob informants look forward to getting dumped in the river.

you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

you get chilly when the temperature drops below 90

you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.

you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

I just drank a Popcicle.

R.I.P. Shakes, We Had a Good Run

I had to say goodbye to a good buddy of mine for the last 12 years last night.

Shakes was a good dog. I got him way back before Y2K hit, when he was such a little puppy I was afraid he couldn't even eat on his own yet. His real name was Shakespeare but it was easier to say Shakes and frankly I think he thought the long version was a little snooty for him. Plus his whole body literally shook when he was excited. The long version of his name was only used when he got in trouble after a while, which wasn't very often in the last 4 or 5 years. He'd gotten unhealthy a few years ago and this brutal Summer heat this year just got to be too much for him, it was obvious.

He may have been miserable towards the end but through the years we sure had a good time going to the lake, going for walks so he could piss on everything within 5 blocks (reading the "P-mail" I called it) and him just laying in the floor while I watched about 1,000 movies or more in his day.

It'll be strange here without him for awhile, like a void when I come home and don't see him hanging out by the back door, staring at me while I put my briefcase up so I can let him in to chill in the A/C all evening. I dropped a chip in the kitchen floor earlier and instantly I looked for him to scoop it up like he hadn't eaten in weeks, but he didn't come. He was a living, pooping Roomba. I'll have to sweep more now I guess.

He'll be missed, but we had a damn good run.

Mega Stupid

I had an interesting quick (unsolicited) conversation this morning at the service station as I was overpaying for gas. Actually, I pay at the pump and don't even remember the day when humans walked inside to pay for gas. But anyway, I had gotten my gas and decided that since the Mega Millions jackpot was over $100 mil, which I could use for a few things (like gas), that I'd buy me a ticket. A lucky ticket preferably. So I went inside and when it was my turn for the resident middle-easterner to wait on me...

Me: 1 quick pick Mega Millions ticket please.
Leather-skinned Lady behind me: You're throwing your money away on that stuff?
Me: Excuse me?
Leather Lady: That lotto garbage. Waste of money.
Me: Oh. I just like to get one so I can dream about winning I guess. Have a nice day. (smile... exit politely)

I listened as I was walking out and I hear her say to cashier "Give me 2 packs of Marlboro Lights."

So, as former president of my high school math club (I was dammit!) I was thinking all the way to work.

For $1, I now have a 1 in 175,711,538 chance of winning the jackpot ($105 mil currently). I have a 1 in 40 chance of just winning something. Hey, the odds aren't great or anything but it beats a kick in the face. And what can you really get for a buck anymore? A honeybun? A blowpop? Enough gas to start your car once?

But for her 2 packs at $5 a pop?

Lucky her. According to the CDC, about 90 percent of lung cancer deaths in men and almost 80 percent of lung cancer deaths in women are due to smoking. The American Cancer Society reports that each year almost half a million people die of lung cancer, meaning almost one of every five deaths is related to smoking. By comparison to other causes of death, cigarettes kill more Americans than alcohol, car accidents, suicide, AIDS, homicide, and illegal drugs combined.

I like my odds better for a $1 ticket of dreams than her $10 investment in a potential lottery for a coughing, black death. Enjoy.

And for the record, I'd travel for the first year post winning.

Til Summer Comes Around

Somebody said I don't write enough original stuff. Hey maybe I just don't have much to say, you ever think of that? Or more likely maybe I just haven't had too much time to put into any posts lately. Well, you'll be super excited to know that all is well, just busy. All work and no play make me a dull boy. Dull sucks (and may make someone like Jack Torrence try to kill his whole family, but if I was married to Shelly Duvall that would be an immediate option, frankly), so free time is spent doing. A huge finish to Spring that included trips to New Orleans, Las Vegas and my hometown... plus concerts, Riverfest and lots of other fun activities has kept me from being a dull boy. Now it's time for the hot weather fun.

I've already made a couple of trips to the (20-feet above normal level) lake to get my party boat, Sweet Amber, cleaned up and launched. Upon my first arrival of the year, I found that it suffered a bit of damage during the Spring storms. Nothing some very large safety pins, cleaning solution and a few trips to my boat store can't fix though. Normally cleaning isn't fun, but something about sitting out on the lake in the hot sun with some tunes playing and a cold beer in hand makes the cleaning actually tolerable. Hell, sitting on the lake drinking beer would make pretty much anything tolerable. They should have divorce hearings that way. Or funerals. Sadly, I've already lost an anchor on the first trip of the year. *sigh* Usually I can go months between anchor purchases. An omen perhaps? The great Summer of Lost Anchors? My wallet hopes not.

I did crack open nice cans of Tallgrass Oasis, Those Guys Beer and Big Sky Montana Trout Slayer Ale so we're off to a tasty start on the water. My Winter/Spring of seeking out good canned brews now gets to pay off, with a full fridge as proof. Maybe I can even work some milk back in there after a few lake trips. I'll be back out there this weekend and am hoping the water level is lower (it is... about a foot every 5 days) and that the water isn't nearly as chilly (can't be... water temp was 68 degrees). The weather has been just right. Hopefully my chalky white skin won't stand out as badly after this weekend of boating and a nice pool party planned on Sunday. It might just go from chalky to bright red though. Fetch me my bald-spot cover cap!

What else? Well as usual for the Summer (which I realize hasn't even "officially" started yet... shaddup) there are good shows out the wang coming to Little Rock. I've got no less than 3 solid line-ups to check out between now and my blowout birthday weekend (just 2 weeks away). I'll be seeing Rwake, Kylesa, The Sword, Crossfade, Pop Evil, Egypt Central, Madam Adam, Abused Romance and Candlelight Red. Whew! Quite a few bands I really dig on that list. My iPod mix with all of them is HUGE.

So yeah.... Summer. You want a piece of me? Let's do it.

Bonus! My Top 10 Summer Songs!

* Lonely Island - I'm On A Boat
* Kid Rock - All Summer Long
* Van Halen - Summer Nights
* Y & T -Summertime Girls
* Kenny Chesney - Summertime
* Sheryl Crow - Soak Up The Sun
* Mungo Jerry - In The Summertime
* Bananarama - Cruel Summer
* Keith Urban - Long Hot Summer
* Lovin' Spoonful - Summer In The City

25 Years

Ah 1985... the 49ers beat the Dolphins in the Super Bowl, Pete Rose broke Ty Cobb's all-time hits record, my St Louis Cardinals were cheated out of a World Series win and the Lakers beat the Celtics for the NBA title. In the music world Tears For Fears were shouting, Foreigner wanted to know what love was and Madonna was getting into the groove. A little channel called VH1 launched and Elmo was introduced on Sesame Street. What was I doing? Well, I was beginning my hair metal obsession and trying to look cool in my Camaro.

Here's proof that I didn't achieve the latter:



Flash forward 25 years, remove some hair on top, add some on the chin, pack on some pounds, change vehicles and here's what's left:



Fun stuff! Then I was listening to Metallica and Ozzy, playing video games and going to concerts. Now I listen to Metallica and Ozzy, play better video games and go to concerts (with better seats). See how much things change?

Also of note, in 1985 actress Courteney Cox used the word "period" (in the physical sense) on U.S. television for the first time, in a commercial for Tampax brand tampons. Yes, some things change a lot.