I've been noticing a lot more lately that beer snobs are beginning to heavily infiltrate the world of beer. The craft beer industry has grown so much in the last decade that suddenly I sort of feel like it might go the way of wine, which is filled with snobbish jerks that turn other people off to discovering great tastes. I personally follow a set of rules designed to make beer friends and get people into new beers, or stay with what they love. What do I care? We're all brothers and sisters in the wonderful nectar. I'd rather my friend drink beer I don't like than soda that I do when we go out. So, here are...
Cracker's Rules of Beer
1. The best beer is always free beer.
2. Don't talk down to people drinking what you don't like. What's it your business? Recommending some brews they might enjoy is acceptable, acting like you're above them because you like some special edition craft beer or something makes you an ass.
3. When a toast is made, always touch glasses with everyone.
4. Have a great toast of your own and make it your go-to toast. (mine is "here's to swimmin' with bow-legged women" for the record... from the movie Jaws)
5. If you go to somebody's house party, it is not acceptable to complain about their beer selection. See rule #1.
6. It is acceptable to complain about the temperature of your beer. But you should still drink it, Nancy-boy.
7. Never, ever leave beer in your glass or bottle. Formerly known as a pinger, it's just never to be done for any reason. By the same token... if you try a new beer, finish it.
8. No straws.
9. It is always an acceptable occasion to wear a shirt with beer on it. Funerals, weddings, work, mug shots... always.
10. Support your local brewery.
11. When visiting another city, support their local brewery.
12. It's acceptable to pay debts or give apologies with beer. Also, it's the best gift to give or receive. Any occasion.
13. If you die before you've done either a keg stand, funneled or shotgunned a beer... you've failed.
14. You should have a bottle-opener either on your keychain, attached to your cooler, on your fridge or in a very handy home location.
15. You should have your own cooler and take it everywhere. You never know when it will be needed.
16. Known you limits. Sure sometimes we all get smashed, but don't be that guy every time, or even regularly.
Cracker's Rules of Beer
1. The best beer is always free beer.
2. Don't talk down to people drinking what you don't like. What's it your business? Recommending some brews they might enjoy is acceptable, acting like you're above them because you like some special edition craft beer or something makes you an ass.
3. When a toast is made, always touch glasses with everyone.
4. Have a great toast of your own and make it your go-to toast. (mine is "here's to swimmin' with bow-legged women" for the record... from the movie Jaws)
5. If you go to somebody's house party, it is not acceptable to complain about their beer selection. See rule #1.
6. It is acceptable to complain about the temperature of your beer. But you should still drink it, Nancy-boy.
7. Never, ever leave beer in your glass or bottle. Formerly known as a pinger, it's just never to be done for any reason. By the same token... if you try a new beer, finish it.
8. No straws.
9. It is always an acceptable occasion to wear a shirt with beer on it. Funerals, weddings, work, mug shots... always.
10. Support your local brewery.
11. When visiting another city, support their local brewery.
12. It's acceptable to pay debts or give apologies with beer. Also, it's the best gift to give or receive. Any occasion.
13. If you die before you've done either a keg stand, funneled or shotgunned a beer... you've failed.
14. You should have a bottle-opener either on your keychain, attached to your cooler, on your fridge or in a very handy home location.
15. You should have your own cooler and take it everywhere. You never know when it will be needed.
16. Known you limits. Sure sometimes we all get smashed, but don't be that guy every time, or even regularly.
17. Always have beer in the fridge in case of emergency.
18. You should have at least 1 bar or pub where everybody knows your name.
19. Don't keep up with who buys how many rounds when with friends. It'll all be even when you're in nursing homes.
20. $20 taxi rides are still a helluva lot cheaper than $2,000 DWIs.
21. When getting a beer for somebody, always open it before handing it to them.
22. Beer before whiskey, mighty risky. Whiskey before beer, never fear.
23. Never check or ask about calories. If you're watching your weight, drink water.
24. Shaking up a beer before handing it to someone should be punishable by death.
25. Never bad mouth a homebrewer's beer.
