Don't Judge A Book

A precious little boy, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks an employee, "Excuthe me mithter, do you have any more widdle wabbits?"

As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on his level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little boy, in turn, blushes, rocks on his heels, crosses his arms, leans forward and says...

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

The Golfing Nun

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.



"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."



"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."



"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"



"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"



"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"



"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yards, par 5 - with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hit a bird in mid-flight."



"Oh my heavens!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"



"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, a squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!"



"Oh, that might have made even me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.



"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk swooped out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"



"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.



"No, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"



Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...



"You missed the damn putt, didn't you?"

Harlequin Romance, Version 2011

She writes:



He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.



He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.



"Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.



I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.



When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.



Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.



Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.



This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say...





"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

Poor Tom's Scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.



She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."



You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.



"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom ' s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."



Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.



"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."



All the men sighed with unified relief.



The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.



He said, "I'm Tom Smith."



The entire congregation held its breath.



"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."